Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.