I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.