Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes