KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
How dude HOW?!
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.