Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
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You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…