Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Alexa; make it look like an accident
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….