coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
You Might Also Like
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Breaking news:
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?