I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
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“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.