friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*