*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
technically true but not a great slogan
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.