James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
You Might Also Like
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”