Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.