Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
You Might Also Like
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬