if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
You Might Also Like
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
rise and shine we got egg
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.