“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
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Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Always leave them wanting their money back.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.