My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
In Canada they just call them geese
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.