cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,