Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“No way.” -Jose
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials