I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
58.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo