WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
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Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.