[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
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Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
step 6: release the wall snake
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.