My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
seems fine
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.