Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay