*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?