WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Free him
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .