I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
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Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep