him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I did not eat the cake…
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!