[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
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With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.