I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news