If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.