“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke