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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
scares
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”