Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”