Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
You Might Also Like
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.