When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Spotted in New Orleans.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
The Friday File.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral