*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
me when i see my girls butt
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
what the hell pray for carter everyone