[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
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They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
No, he would not have.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.