sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*gets down on one knee*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*