7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
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Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
fourth time’s the charm
Them: You should try keto
Me:
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.