I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?