I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ