*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount