Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard