“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.