I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Has science gone too far?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed