I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
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Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
me and the Superbowl rn
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.