Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
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Spa day..😅
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t