If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
You Might Also Like
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Strange
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener