Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*