If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined